“You stopped validating your victim mentality? Let today be the day… You shake off your self-defeating drama and embrace your innate ability to recover and achieve.”- Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth and Being Free.
Here I was, being commended for coming up with the much-needed system that took the organization took years to create. The Executives defined this as well thought out and realistic system, they demanded I lead the team I had proposed. Most of you would glut in this scenario, myself, I was in shock that they actually thought I could present something worthwhile without any objections. 5 hours prior to this length meeting I was preparing to fail. In my mind I was certain that this ship was surely going to sink. For the remaining 4 hours I fought with myself over my failure mentality, over the lies I choose to believe. Truth be told it has been a constant war. Today I have managed to convince myself that I put in the work thus I deserve it fruits like we all say “Hard work pays.”
I know you are wondering where this low self-esteem was conceived. It was December of 2006, I was trying to visualize a happy place while mother yelled at me the cause for her disappointment was warranted. I had performed poorly in my “O” level mocks thus she was expressing her views. I knew I could do better, I was sure I failed to put in the time for the desired result I agree with every argument she put across and vowed to do better, but something stopped me at the tracks. It was her stun and unapologetic words “ I have never know failure till I met you,” it run in my mind all night whilst I tossed and turned hoping to go back in time and do it things right this time around.
It’s been nearly 10 years since and those words had shadowed my entire being yes I passed my o levels and a levels but I convinced myself they edexcel board suffered from a case of mistaken identity. I owned all the failures in life and credit someone for the success. Every time I failed those words that lingered in my mind got affirmed. What changed? I killed myself, mentally I killed that poor girl who was consumed by people’s opinion when I realized mother had lived her life and I was yet to live mine. I realized there will never and can never be a “me” not in a millions years, more so the hard truth was slapped in my face by a mentor “Victims live an undeserving life and later die like fools,” that ladies and gentlemen was my turning point.
Yes, those daunting words occasionally crip in when I least expect, but I have evidence to counter it one that cannot be ignored nor nullified that is, I can do ALL things THROUGH CHRIST who STRENGTHS me.