To Split Milk

Dear Dad,

I always imagined a charismatic hardworking man who feared God and dis-tasted stupidity and laziness like the plague. It is however sad that in your time here you nearly shared time with me. Instead, life had another plan for you.  You fell in love with my sister and choose her over me. Like that was enough, you passed too soon. I came to tell you how much I missed you, only to find you in a casket. Me of all people, how did I dare miss a phantom I never had a privileged of knowing; oh how I wish I never longed for you.

I have a hazy memory of you in my life I didn’t choose it. You and mother did; when you choose to come home drunk that night and show her who is boss, I remember her having to defend herself and then I’m relieved she left, and you never got to raise me. It’s those father daughter moments that make me wish you were here,  how my sister talks about you with pride, it’s those tough times that make me wish you were around to speak real sense into my life. You left a mark in the world, in your family, in my mother’s heart but not mine.

I have learn’t to be okay with it. To being okay with not knowing you for myself, okay with having a blank in my life that no man can fill, I have become okay with not wanting to be around people who make me wish you in my life. I have managed  to kill that desire and I’m not sorry for doing so cause you weren’t sorry when you choose not to make our family work, when you choose to live life instead of leaving a mark in my life. It’s not your absence that hurts but your somewhat presence, a cup half empty as I see it.

I pray you found Christ before leaving this earth. I hope it was peaceful.

To split milk,

Love, the daughter who is now a Woman.

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