I sat in the tub blankly staring at the candles I had lit near the edge of the bathtub “You need something strong to numb the last 72hrs, ” was all my mind could think about. God was dead to me and I was done with this fallacy of faith. You see my faith in God was derived from my dog’s, their complete innocence reflected God’s majesty and glory.
The way I saw it, God had granted me the opportunity to witness the beauty of birth even in the most unlikely situations ( when my Golden retriever Flower was impregnated by my St Bernard. I was new to this dogmom thing and that was what my vet called bad parenting. Even after being adviced to abort a premise I no longer believe in and the vets confidently stating that Flower would die in labour, she was able to deliver naturally a healthy litter of 9 pups without any assistance.)
This was not the case 48hours ago, the 2month old pups who had had their vaccination against canine parvovirus, and a booster shot,were succumbing to it. At this point 4 pup’s had died and the 2 in quarantaine were not showing any signs of life regardless of the hourly injection and salon drips. Friends, this meant I had front row seats to seeing each and everyone of them fight to stay alive to finally give in after 7hours showing symptoms of Parvovirus. I watched God dying. He was no longer supreme, He no longer seemed all knowing and powerful. He and I had both failed this pups, well mostly Him. This was war, and He was losing the battle. The King of kings and Lord of lords.
On the final month of taking a year of to selfless serve God, this was the witnessing of God I was doing to my dogs. Them helplessly dying even after doing everything right. Then it hit me, life has squeezed me and my lack of faith in God is all that came out and a lowly perspective of a God who should meet me half way. My heart was broken and I was ashamed to even allow such thoughts to creep into the crevices of my heart and soul. I was a dead woman walking in the name of Jesus. I was consumed in the busyness of doing and not being.
You may found yourself In almost a similar circumstances, where your faith is in want and you can’t see God no matter how hard you squint or flex your spiritual antennas. All you met is life at her best, a façade where all creation is in a constant state of deterioration and utter demise. What then do you do ? Do you curse God and die ? Do you conclude that God is indeed dead and faith is a poor man’s lyxa.
The truth is all creation is still waiting the second coming of the Messiah in this fallen world. The greatest task of humanity till then is to stay rooted regardless of everything. Rooted in the truth of God’s word and our relationship with him. A relationship that ought to be independent of circumstances and external factors that are beyond us. Finally staying grounded in the truth that God loves us and desires the best for us even when failure, sickness and death are looming about.