I have written this post 2 times every time WordPress deletes them while I am proofreading, let’s hope it finally gets to you this last time.
On average, 3500 people leave Church every year in America and for every 4000 church plant 7000 never get to see their 3rd year. By now you are aware of which side of statistics we could be informing. I have had the opportunity of informing both sides but today we will look into one.
Being a ministers child and engaging in ministry for around 3 years has made me realizes that most ministers don’t know depression or anxiety even if it slapped them on the face. Most pastor’s are curled up in on rocks or near bushes in prayer mountains casting our this spirit from within. Others secretly seeking help while putting on a brave face every Sunday in order to lead the flock.
I was one of them, I hoped to purge myself of this spirit of heaviness by plugging into every church program with hopes that I would keep depression and anxiety at bay and then I made the worst decision by jumping into full time ministry in the wrong rabbit hole. Where I thought I would get solutions for redemption, I got scrutiny, suppression and the highest forms of betrayal.
The entire experience added insult to the injuries. I had allowed people who did not understand depression or anxiety room to see me and speak lies to me, this was a recipe for emotional suicide. Church had taught me to carry my cross as I follow Christ but not to examine my cross. I had been carrying a cross in bitterness following a savior I was slowly losing interest in; so I quit Church, I dropped all of it like a hot plate without any remorse or apology.
I quit lies and masking depression, I quit taking it to Jesus as an escape from the soars. I quit camouflaging anxiety with religion and Church programs. I begun to look closely at the contents of my cross and kept allowing myself to be genuine with my conversations with God and about God. This made so many friends uncomfortable and It was okay because the more I looked at myself and the messiah the more I saw a gracious and merciful father. The more I contended with God about what gave me unrest and discomfort then I saw I his strength and experienced unconditional love in my weakness.
David wrote that “his strength was is the Lord,’ Paul reiterates how ‘Gods strength is made perfect in our weakness,” This is what he sums up as the ultimate motivations for our relationship with God. Faith; that my truth will not be used glorfie insecure mortals but God and He is more than a redeemer, he is a father,a friend and a sustainer. Hope; that in those dark and grey moments God too is there and its okay to be vulnerable because that’s how we get to experience supernatural help. Love; when we are done carrying crosses we don’t know, following a savior who has been corrupted by religious bigots. He will still love us enough to allow a minute or two to rediscover the truth before proceeding with the journey.
I am not apologetic about this post but I apologize for the many people have suffered from mental illnesses in the hands of ignorant minister’s.